matt foley "living in a div down by the navmenu" dept
(c)opyleft
1995-2008
Matthew Lewis
Carroll Smith
Filtering Dates for a Sense of Humor
Still Hasn't Gotten Weird Enough for Me
I've dated quite a few women through online dating services. After some many painful experiences, I realized that I needed to cull out women without a sufficiently strange sense of humor. The first step was have an online profile which would give pause.
Taunt Small Animals in Your Spare Time!
Ladies, YOU TOO could have this once in a lifetime chance of meeting this dynamic 35 year-old male, located in Memphis, who is seeking a someone SPECIAL! But don't take my word for it; listen to the man himself:
"I Yam a SWM, 1.905 M tall, 97.524 Kg, Blonde hair, blue eyes, intelligent, quirky, constantly evolving (with occasion devolving), seeking the Truth or at least a really good sounding Lie. I am searching for the same, except you should be female, and you don't have to be as tall as me, or weigh the same as I do, or be white. I only ask for a chromosome count on the second date."
But there's MORE! Read what the critics have to say:
"Never heard of him." -- Richard Nixon
"I don't understand what went wrong." -- Mom
"The movie was better." -- The Seattle Sun Times
Now, thanks to the WONDERS of the WEB, we are able to bring you an entire web site DEDICATED to this fine young man.
READ all about him. CRY at his graphically bloated layouts. GROAN at his divergent humor. PITY his... his... oh, just PITY him.
ALL this is totally FREE. There is NO obligation to JOIN at any time. Point your browser to:
http://www.mlcsmith.com/
Sales tax may apply in some state. This offer void in Northern China. Consult your physician.
Whenever a potential mate would send me their first email, I would reply with a specially prepared message. A typical exchange would go something like this:
Sent: 09/26/96
From: Christina
To: Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith
Subject: your ad
Hiya!
Your ad was written for me! <Ah ah!>
Well. I'd love to get to know you - and I'm your neighbor! So I decided to give it a try! Will you too?
Sent: 09/27/96
From: Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith
To: Christina
Subject: Re: your ad
Dear __Christina__:
Thank you for replying to my ad. Unfortunately, due to a computer error, I do not know which ad you are replying to. Please choose the appropriate item from the list below.
1) If you are replying to my request for a Lama: I'm sorry, I have already found the enlightenment I was looking for. Who would have thought they would keep it behind the crackers at the convenience store?
2) If you are replying to my request for a Llama Trainer: No need to go any further. My llama left me six months ago for a camel who wears sunglasses and a leather jacket.
3) If you are replying to my request for a "Three - L - Lama": That was a joke and not a real request. A "Three - L - Lama" is a very big fire. (Say it fast a few times.)
4) If you are replying to my personal ad: Hello, it's nice to meet you. Who are you and what do you like to do? Some hint of me can be found at: http://www.mlcsmith.com/
5) There is no #5.
-m
After the initial email exchange, those that aren't scared off tend to pursue me with renewed vigor. We proceed to the "life stories" phase.
To: Christina
From: Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith
Subject: Re: hi
Chrissie:
My story starts in a confused manner...
Story A: A flash of light, a peal of thunder, the clouds broke open and two angels descended from the heavens bearing me to my saintly mother...
Story B: My eyes shifted restlessly and I squirmed to find a better position in the womb. It would only be a matter of time before they caught up with me. I pulled my tiny leather jacket closer around my pink body as I speculated on the fame that one dumb copper would have when he caught Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith, the most wanted fetus in seven states...
(Also, if you like the shady dangerous type; I can do that. I'll have to brush off my I-once-killed-a-man-over-a-can-of-beans story. To be followed by my more popular I-once-killed-a-man-over-a-plate-of-baklava story.)
Story C: Somewhere in between the two above.
Oh heck and golly gee-willikers, I have no idea who I am anymore. Or maybe I do, but I wasn't happy with myself so I'm somewhere in that recycle, reinvent, recapitulate phase: "But why am I wearing these pants?" and other deeper questions.
I have a very strange sense of humor, caring, witty, fun-to-have-been with, sensitive, pessimistic, introverted, easygoing, honest, passionate, open minded, intelligent, bizarre, creative, adventurous, not in love with life - but we are on good speaking terms. I had a very sharp brain once but my tendency to bang it against the wall has dulled it a bit.
I'm a spiritual being and many times a hungry one, too. Now if I could find a way to combine Catholic ritual, Jewish humor, Morman austerity, Islamic ferver, and French cooking - LOOK OUT! Pass the peas, please.
-m
By this time, my potential mate is moaning and shuddering... in mirth - or - in fear. I don't mind the rejections. The way I look at it; I save $75 every time a potential date emails me to tell me that I am too weird for her. Of course, most women don't email me if they feel that way, they just change their email address.
The biggest irony of this story is that the woman that I finally married, Pamela, used the same technique on me. All in all, it ended up quite well, as this brief article about us on Salon.com can attest to:
HEAVEN: Or wherever agnostics go when they die
While there may be naysayers who claim it is best to meet your true love face-to-face, it gets kind of hard when you are looking for a sarcastic female atheist autopsy specialist in her early thirties. Luckily for me I found one online who was looking for a humorous male amblyopic agnostic writer in his early forties. To top it all off, she already had a great kid and I wanted children but didn't want to reproduce.
Both of us used well-crafted ads that were specifically designed to repel 99.9999 percent of all prospective suitors. While lively debate is entertaining, who wants to explain that evolution is not a theory for the millionth time?
After two years of binge drinking and generally bemoaning the lack of skeptical thought in this country, we got married. Our second wedding anniversary is coming up this May and the only way we could be happier is if they removed the words "In God We Trust" from the coinage.
I'd thank a God which may or may not exist for online dating services, but my wife would hit me on the back of the head for saying it. Some things never change.
-- Matthew Smith
In summary, some very, very rough estimates for my online dating 1989 - 1999:
Number of online services I've used over the years: 8
Number of victims solicited for a date:electronically: 500
Nunber of times I was solicited for a date electronically: 50
...which led to a first date: 100
...which led to a second date: 25
...which led to a relationship lasting three or more months: 15
...which led to matrimony: 1.05
...which led to a gruesome well-publicized murder trial: 0
Most Unique Electronic Dating Accomplishment: Getting a date at MacWorld San Francisco because of something I posted on AppleLink.
Worst Electronic Dating Moment: The AOL years.
Proudest Electronic Dating Accomplishment: Matrimony. It turns out there really is someone out there for everyone!
it pays the bills dept
here is something I hope is doing no evil.
could be worse dept
there could be more of them