Common Cicada Misconceptions

05/27/2004

To whom it may concern:

We are Creeeeeek Caaaark Crick Crick Crick of Sept MLCV of Phratry VII of Brood X, but you can call us William.

We wish to refute certain allegations you have made on your website, cicadaville.com, which unfairly cast a bad light on cicadas, their dreams, and aspirations.

First and foremost, you must be taken to task for promulgating the base lie that cicadas eat children. Preposterous! While we may nibble on them a tiny bit, we can hardly be held accountable if they bleed to death. More children would be saved if they had the kind of non-HMO medical coverage that was available in the old days, say, 13 years ago.

Besides, we are much more merciful than locusts! While locusts do not eat your children, they will eat your crops. Then you get to watch your children starve to death - slowly. Believe me, we are doing you a favor!

We can only attribute this kind of misinformation to a pro-locust mole amongst your staff.

You boldly state that cicadas kill more people every year than snakes, spiders, scorpions, and sharks combined. Frankly, we are amazed that we, "lowly" arthropods, would have to teach you math. Your guesstimate fell far below the mark. We kill more people than snakes, spiders, scorpions, sharks, and turtles combined!

What's even more disturbing are the generalizations on the website that give the impression that we are grim, inexorable, killing machines. Nothing could be further from the tru7h. Cicadas have a well developed sense of humor as this joke will demonstrate:

Broodwife: Creek, creeeeek creekity creek creeeeeeeeek!

Broodlord: Caaaarrraaaak caarrraack.

Broodwife: Creeeek?

Broodlord: Caaar!

There, you see? The tru7h is locusts are the ones with no sense of humor.

The website makes the ignorant claim that the loud buzzing we make is actually a "battle cry" that "roughly" translates as "Kill the Humans." Allow me to smooth your rough edges; the moderately loud noise we make is a (circadian) public-service message which means "Snack on the Kids!" Remember, we don't kill; we merely snack.

Your whole take on circadian evil is completely overblown. You see, it's not a question of evil, per se, but one of grumpiness. Allow us to explain:

We sleep quite comfortably for 13 years until our biological clocks force us awake. We have no say in this! We can't sleep late if we want. So what if it's Sunday? We still have to get up. Maybe it's raining? Tough mandible, Jen, we gotta get up. As you can see, we always start our day by getting out of the wrong side of bed.

Then, even before we can brew a cup of morning root sap, we have to pack up our home because we aren't coming back. With millions of us doing this at the same time, there are never enough boxes and tape to go around.

Next is the hard burrow up. We dig our way out, all the time wondering, "Is it day? Night? How have the Packers been doing for the past 13 years?" Plus, those of us who live in the city have no idea where we are going to appear. There are horror stories passed from generation to generation of families who sleep in a lovely park only to find overpriced boutiques and low-rent attorneys' offices when they awake. Oh the circadianity!

Finally, after enduring a totally ruinous morning we have to grab onto a tree, s l o w l y    s p l i t    o u r    s k i n    o p e n, and crawl out of the husk. Do you really think for one minute that this is fun? It is not, sir, it most certainly is not!

Is it any wonder that we arrive in the world in an evil mood? Furthermore, while we are frustratedly looking for a mate who isn't a first cousin, invariably some tender, succulent child comes along, singing "tra-la-la-la-la," and pokes at our prized husk with a stick. Can you really blame a few million groggy, hungry, sore, and lonely cicadas for having a little snack? I think not!

No doubt your so-called "expert," "Dr." Gene Kritsky is a major locust sympathizer. You should really check his credentials more thoroughly. After a mere 7 years browsing the cicadanet between naps, I discovered on his website, in broken English, he admits to his true training and a peculiar perversion:

I'm afraid cicadas will ruin my wedding!
Dr. Gene Kritsky has already helped 42 couples plan their Spring 2004 weddings to avoid interference from the cicada emergence. "Many want to avoid the cicadas, so I have been helping with picking the dates and the locations for their weddings," he explains ." However, I would like to point out that a cicada wedding is very romantic. Nobody celebrates their 17th wedding anniversary much more meaningful. Of course, this also pertains to 34th and 51st wedding anniversaries." Who would have thought that entomologists could double as wedding consultants?

Aha! Your "world-famous" "scientist" is nothing more than a lying "wedding" planner. As we all know, nobody likes a wedding more than "locusts"!

Certainly, some of your claims are factual. For example, it is undisputed that we are "seething" with venom and flesh-eating bacteria. But you need to consider our side of the issue; after living underground for 13 years you are bound to catch something - it's unavoidable.

We hope that this missive helps correct the all-to-prevalent misunderstandings that the world has about us. We look forward to the time when mankind greets us with open arms and small packets of relish. With your help, and your condiments, we can bridge the gulf between our species. We welcome this opportunity. We welcome you. Welcome! Welcome, tasty primate!

Now, if you will excuse us, we have to get back to the list of orphanages we were compiling.

Respectfully Yours,

-- William

P.S. It has recently come to our attention that you share many similarities with us.