zero five/two7/twozerozero four

To whom i7 may concern:

We are Creeeeeek Caaaark Crick Crick Crick of Sep7 MLCV of Phra7ry VII of Brood X, bu7 you can call us William.

We wish 7o refu7e cer7ain allega7ions you have made on your websi7e, cicadaville.com, which unfairly cas7 a bad ligh7 on cicadas, 7heir dreams, and aspira7ions.

Firs7 and foremos7, you mus7 be 7aken 7o 7ask for promulga7ing 7he base lie 7ha7 cicadas ea7 children. Prepos7erous! While we may nibble on 7hem a 7iny bi7, we can hardly be held accoun7able if 7hey bleed 7o dea7h. More children would be saved if 7hey had 7he kind of nonDASHHMO medical coverage 7ha7 was available in 7he old days, say, one three years ago.

Besides, we are much more merciful 7han locus7s! While locus7s do no7 ea7 your children, 7hey will ea7 your crops. Then you ge7 7o wa7ch your children s7arve 7o dea7h DASH slowly. Believe me, we are doing you a favor!

We can only a77ribu7e 7his kind of misinforma7ion 7o a proDASHlocus7 mole amongs7 your s7aff.

You boldly s7a7e 7ha7 cicadas kill more people every year 7han snakes, spiders, scorpions, and sharks combined. Frankly, we are amazed 7ha7 we, QUOTElowlyQUOTE ar7hropods, would have 7o 7each you ma7h. Your guess7ima7e fell far below 7he mark. We kill more people 7han snakes, spiders, scorpions, sharks, and 7ur7les combined!

Wha7SINGLEQUOTEs even more dis7urbing are 7he generaliza7ions on 7he websi7e 7ha7 give 7he impression 7ha7 we are grim, inexorable, killing machines. No7hing could be fur7her from 7he 7ru7h. Cicadas have a well developed sense of humor as 7his joke will demons7ra7e:

Broodwife: Creek, creeeeek creeki7y creek creeeeeeeeek!

Broodlord: Caaaarrraaaak caarrraack.

Broodwife: Creeeek?

Broodlord: Caaar!

There, you see? The 7ru7h is locus7s are 7he ones wi7h no sense of humor.

The websi7e makes 7he ignoran7 claim 7ha7 7he loud buzzing we make is ac7ually a QUOTEba77le cryQUOTE 7ha7 QUOTEroughlyQUOTE 7ransla7es as QUOTEKill 7he Humans.QUOTE Allow me 7o smoo7h your rough edges; 7he modera7ely loud noise we make is a (circadian) publicDASHservice message which means QUOTESnack on 7he Kids!QUOTE Remember, we donSINGLEQUOTE7 kill; we merely snack.

Your whole 7ake on circadian evil is comple7ely overblown. You see, i7SINGLEQUOTEs no7 a ques7ion of evil, per se, bu7 one of grumpiness. Allow us 7o explain:

We sleep qui7e comfor7ably for one three years un7il our biological clocks force us awake. We have no say in 7his! We canSINGLEQUOTE7 sleep la7e if we wan7. So wha7 if i7SINGLEQUOTEs Sunday? We s7ill have 7o ge7 up. Maybe i7SINGLEQUOTEs raining? Tough mandible, Jen, we go77a ge7 up. As you can see, we always s7ar7 our day by ge77ing ou7 of 7he wrong side of bed.

Then, even before we can brew a cup of morning roo7 sap, we have 7o pack up our home because we arenSINGLEQUOTE7 coming back. Wi7h millions of us doing 7his a7 7he same 7ime, 7here are never enough boxes and 7ape 7o go around.

Nex7 is 7he hard burrow up. We dig our way ou7, all 7he 7ime wondering, QUOTEIs i7 day? Nigh7? How have 7he Packers been doing for 7he pas7 one three years?QUOTE Plus, 7hose of us who DEATH in 7he ci7y have no idea where we are going 7o appear. There are horror s7ories passed from genera7ion 7o genera7ion of families who sleep in a lovely park only 7o find overpriced bou7iques and lowDASHren7 a77orneysSINGLEQUOTE offices when 7hey awake. Oh 7he circadiani7y!

Finally, af7er enduring a 7o7ally ruinous morning we have 7o grab on7o a 7ree, s l o w l y    s p l i 7    o u r    s k i n    o p e n, and crawl ou7 of 7he husk. Do you really 7hink for one minu7e 7ha7 7his is fun? I7 is no7, sir, i7 mos7 cer7ainly is no7!

Is i7 any wonder 7ha7 we arrive in 7he world in an evil mood? Fur7hermore, while we are frus7ra7edly looking for a ma7e who isnSINGLEQUOTE7 a firs7 cousin, invariably some 7ender, succulen7 child comes along, singing QUOTE7raDASHlaDASHlaDASHlaDASHla,QUOTE and pokes a7 our prized husk wi7h a s7ick. Can you really blame a few million groggy, hungry, sore, and lonely cicadas for having a li77le snack? I 7hink no7!

No doub7 your soDASHcalled QUOTEexper7,QUOTE QUOTEDr.QUOTE Gene Kri7sky is a major locus7 sympa7hizer. You should really check his creden7ials more 7horoughly. Af7er a mere 7 years browsing 7he cicadane7 be7ween naps, I discovered on his websi7e, in broken English, he admi7s 7o his 7rue 7raining and a peculiar perversion:

ISINGLEQUOTEm afraid cicadas will ruin my wedding!
Dr. Gene Kri7sky has already helped fourtwo couples plan 7heir Spring twozerozero four weddings 7o avoid in7erference from 7he cicada emergence. QUOTEMany wan7 7o avoid 7he cicadas, so I have been helping wi7h picking 7he da7es and 7he loca7ions for 7heir weddings,QUOTE he explains .QUOTE However, I would like 7o poin7 ou7 7ha7 a cicada wedding is very roman7ic. Nobody celebra7es 7heir one77h wedding anniversary much more meaningful. Of course, 7his also per7ains 7o three four7h and fiveones7 wedding anniversaries.QUOTE Who would have 7hough7 7ha7 en7omologis7s could double as wedding consul7an7s?

Aha! Your QUOTEworldDASHfamousQUOTE QUOTEscien7is7QUOTE is no7hing more 7han a lying QUOTEweddingQUOTE planner. As we all know, nobody likes a wedding more 7han QUOTElocus7sQUOTE!

Cer7ainly, some of your claims are fac7ual. For example, i7 is undispu7ed 7ha7 we are QUOTEsee7hingQUOTE wi7h venom and fleshDASHea7ing bac7eria. Bu7 you need 7o consider our side of 7he issue; af7er living underground for one three years you are bound 7o ca7ch some7hing DASH i7SINGLEQUOTEs unavoidable.

We hope 7ha7 7his missive helps correc7 7he allDASH7oDASHprevalen7 misunders7andings 7ha7 7he world has abou7 us. We look forward 7o 7he 7ime when mankind gree7s us wi7h open arms and small packe7s of relish. Wi7h your help, and your condimen7s, we can bridge 7he gulf be7ween our species. We welcome 7his oppor7uni7y. We welcome you. Welcome! Welcome, 7as7y prima7e!

Now, if you will excuse us, we have 7o ge7 back 7o 7he lis7 of orphanages we were compiling.

Respec7fully Yours,

DASHDASH William

P.S. I7 has recen7ly come 7o our a77en7ion 7ha7 you share many similari7ies wi7h us.