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I had the opportunity to be the best man at a Jewish friend's wedding. Since I knew I would have to make a toast, I did some serious research on Judaic wedding customs and rolled it into a speech in the tradition of a badchen (a Jewish storyteller / clown / entertainer). I've tweaked this on and off for ten years now and you may personalize to use if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
Hello everyone and good evening. My name is Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith and I have the dubious distinction of knowing Alan Derschowitz very well.
As you may notice, I am a gentile - through no fault of my own, thank you.
(aside) For all of you unattached young ladies out there - please think of me as a potential Goy Boy Toy.
It is a peculiar hobby of mine to study Judaic customs and I have assembled a few notes here. I would like to take this opportunity to explain some of the jewish marriage customs to the other two - no, (search audience) three - gentiles here.
(lecture) The Talmud sets eighteen as the proper age for marriage; some rabbis encouraged marriage as early as fourteen. A man who remained unmarried after twenty was considered cursed by God Himself, living without joy and without blessing! (look at groom) This description fits Alan very well.
Jewish wedding ceremonies vary greatly throughout the world. In ancient times, a Jewish bride and groom followed the Greek custom of wearing garlands and wreaths, like crowns. In Roman days, Jews used lighted torches. In some Middle East countries, fireworks were set off. In America it is customary to race around in the parking lot in BMWs and Mercedes.
In the Middle Ages, the Jews in Germany married only during a full moon, the Jews in Spain only under a new moon. (eyeball sky) We were expecting a total eclipse for Alan & Golda's wedding day, but thankfully, it did not materialize.
Orthodox Jews celebrate a wedding for seven days running, for that is the Bible's account of the festivities after Jacob married Leah; and each wedding added to Israel's estate - and children. In modern times the festivities have been scaled down to one day in an effort to prevent full scale warfare from breaking out between the relations.
It is traditional to shower the couple with barley grains or kernels of wheat - as explicit a hope for fertility as rice, it seems. Further to enhance fertility, a hen and rooster once preceded the couple. State laws prevent this for Alan & Golda's wedding, but you can expect to see some relatives symbolically fulfill this role.
A fertility "fish dance" was the custom of Sephardic Jews in the Balkans, because fish were considered exceptionally fecund; a bride and groom often made their wedding dinner of fish. Fish today aren't as good at dancing here in the US, plus, they now expect to be paid scale. (rimshot)
The dancing at weddings is to be spirited and the types of dances are many: the mazel tov dance, the dance for the parents of bride and groom, the dance of the retired postal inspectors, and so on. A badchen often enlivened the proceedings with mock songs and laments, traditional jokes and free-wheeling badinage. Which is a role I am now painfully trying to fulfill.
At some Orthodox ceremonies, the bride, her parents, and family circled the groom seven times, each holding a lighted candle. (This may derive from a cabalistic practice of making a mystic circle to shut out the dastardly demons who resent happiness.) If we do this tonight then Dramamine will be given to those who are slow to recover.
For those of you who do not read Hebrew I would like to lend my considerable talents in translating the writing on the yamulkes we were given. The trick, of course, is to read the words from right to left. See, it says here, "I went to Alan & Golda's wedding and all I got was this stupid yamukle."
So here I am wishing Alan & Golda the best. May they be as happy as Alan's parents; The Dershowitzs - err - no wait, that's not a good example. May they be as happy as Golda's parents; The Miers - err, that's not going to work.
(think hard) OK, may they be as happy as humanly possible.
And they should be. With such a fine marriage as this they will multiple each other's strengths and cancel out each other's weaknesses. For example, Golda's desire to wear pants will balance out the fact that Alan was born without a spine...
I would like to propose a toast. But not to Alan & Golda - to the rest of us. May we all find the same peace, happiness, and love in out hearts that Alan & Golda have today.
L'chayim!
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