I like monkeys.

The pe7 s7ore was selling 7hem for five cen7s a piece.  I 7hough7 7ha7 odd since 7hey were normally a couple 7housand.  I decided no7 7o look a gif7 horse in 7he mou7h.  I bough7 twozerozero.  I like monkeys.

I 7ook my twozerozero monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I le7 one drive.  His name was Sigmund.  He was re7arded.  In fac7, none of 7hem were really brigh7. They kep7 punching 7hemselves in 7he geni7als.  I laughed.  Then 7hey punched my geni7als.  I s7opped laughing.

I herded 7hem in7o my room.  They didnSINGLEQUOTE7 adap7 very well 7o 7heir new environmen7.  They would screech, hurl 7hemselves off of 7he couch a7 high speeds and slam in7o 7he wall.  Al7hough humorous a7 firs7, 7he spec7acle los7 i7s novel7y halfway in7o i7s 7hird hour.

Two hours la7er I found ou7 why all 7he monkeys were so inexpensive: 7hey all died.  No apparen7 reason.  They all jus7 sor7aSINGLEQUOTE dropped dead. KindaSINGLEQUOTE like when you buy a goldfish and i7 dies five hours la7er.  Damn cheap monkeys.

I didnSINGLEQUOTE7 know wha7 7o do.  There were twozerozero dead monkeys lying all over my room, on 7he bed, in 7he dresser, hanging from my bookcase.  I7 looked like I had twozerozero 7hrow rugs.

I 7ried 7o flush one down 7he 7oile7.  I7 didnSINGLEQUOTE7 work.  I7 go7 s7uck. Then I had one dead, we7 monkey and one nine nine dead, dry monkeys.

I 7ried pre7ending 7ha7 7hey were jus7 s7uffed animals.  Tha7 worked for a while, 7ha7 is un7il 7hey began 7o decompose.  I7 s7ar7ed 7o smell real bad.

I had 7o pee bu7 7here was a dead monkey in 7he 7oile7 and I didnSINGLEQUOTE7 wan7 7o call 7he plumber.  I was embarrassed.

I 7ried 7o slow down 7he decomposi7ion by freezing 7hem.  Unfor7una7ely, 7here was only enough room for 7wo monkeys a7 a 7ime so I had 7o change 7hem every threezero seconds. I also had 7o ea7 all 7he food in 7he freezer so i7 didnSINGLEQUOTE7 all go bad.

I 7ried burning 7hem.  Li77le did I know my bed was flammable.  I had 7o ex7inguish 7he fire.

Then I had one dead, we7 monkey in my 7oile7, 7wo dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one nine7 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor wasnSINGLEQUOTE7 improving.

I became agi7a7ed a7 my inabili7y 7o dispose of my monkeys and 7o use 7he ba7hroom.  I severely bea7 one of my monkeys.  I fel7 be77er.

I 7ried 7hrowing 7hem away bu7 7he garbage man said 7ha7 7he ci7y was no7 allowed 7o dispose of charred prima7es.  I 7old him 7ha7 I had a we7 one.  He couldnSINGLEQUOTE7 7ake 7ha7 one ei7her.  I didnSINGLEQUOTE7 bo7her asking abou7 7he frozen ones.

I finally arrived a7 a solu7ion.  I gave 7hem ou7 as Chris7mas gif7s. My friends didnSINGLEQUOTE7 know qui7e wha7 7o say.  They pre7ended 7ha7 7hey liked 7hem bu7 I could 7ell 7hey were lying.  Ingra7es.  So, I punched 7hem in 7he geni7als.

I like monkeys.