Classical Jazz 2005: Home

A Moscow Reporter's Story

Red Square - I saw all the masses of Muscovites in front of the Kremlin during the vote to impeach Yeltsin. I also saw all the news reporters there. So this funny idea occurred to me...

MOSCOW - 2021 - The russian empire still remains in peril - leaders have been elected and impeached - constitutions have been drawn up and abandoned - the state of the nation once again hangs in the balance - an important vote is going on in the kremlin.

Cut to CNN...

"Well, Jay, it's a clear day and it seems that the crowds have turned out in force to hear the decision from the people's congress."

"That's right, Jack, the situation is highly volatile. One wrong move by the congress could unleash a wave of violence that could storm the congress."

Cut to ABC...

"Jim, could you tell us what is going on right now?"

"Sure James, from my vantage on top of the gilded spire of the church of St. Teresavich the Thin and Unbreakable I can see the leader of the people's congress making his way to the podium to announce the decision. It's a tense moment in Red Square."

Cut to NBC...

"John, the leader of the people's congress has finished his announcement. Note that he used the term 'suckemavich' to describe the discontinuing of city services. Although it can be translated as 'removal' or 'cut off,' the more appropriate term would be 'painful draining away.'"

"Thanks, Jill, and now well see how the crowd is taking the news."

Cut to CBS...

[Scenes of the backs of many people. A hand reaches out from (apparently) behind the camera, tapping people on the shoulder. Voices in the background saying, "Excuse me sir..." Each person that turns around has a still camera, a video tape recorder, or a steno pad and a big badge that says PRESS.]

"Well Joan will have the reactions of the crowd right after we come back..."

[Scenes of myriad news reports taping each other on the back, only to look crestfallen when they discover it is just another news reporter.]

TASTELESS COMMERICIAL

"We now have Joan on location in Red Square, ready to get the first hand reactions of the Muscovite audience."

[Panoramic shot over churches and state buildings which zooms into Red Square. We can see the huge crowd milling about. As we continue to zoom in, we notice that the crowd has ceased milling and has manifested some sort of incredible radial design. As if everyone in the square was standing looking at one person in the center of the square. We continue to zoom in and see that indeed, that is exactly what is happening!]

"Thanks Jared, we will now see the reactions of the Muscovite crowd."

[Cut to a lone figure standing in a small circle of open space. He is completely surrounded by a wall of lenses of video cameras. He shuffles his feet a bit and after a while reaches up to take off his scarf and hat. Cut to close up. The face of the sole Muscovite is WOODY ALLEN. He clears his throat timidly a few times and after considerable thought, apparently decides to speak.]

"Well, I don't know about that. I'm not sure I really like this. I mean, what right does the state have over spiritual matters? I mean, if clean laundry isn't a spiritual matter, then I don't know what is."

[He puts his hat back on a shuffles through the crowd of reporters. Cut to all channels...]

"Well there you have it, a saddened and disturbed crowd. Although they went home peacefully, there still remains the potential for violence in this city on the edge of democracy...

END

 

 

 

 

 

it pays the bills dept

here is something I hope is doing no evil.

could be worse dept

there could be more of them