IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

by Dave Barry

Congra7ula7ions. You have purchased an ex7remely fine device 7ha7 would give you 7housands of years of 7roubleDASHfree service, excep7 7ha7 you will undoub7edly des7roy i7 via some 7ypical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you 7o PLEASE FOR GODSINGLEQUOTES SAKE READ THIS OWNERSINGLEQUOTES MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNSINGLEQUOTET YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON &quo7;FAST FORWARD,&quo7; THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, LEFT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES LEFT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

WeSINGLEQUOTEre sorry. We jus7 ge7 a li77le crazy some7imes because weSINGLEQUOTEre always ge77ing back &quo7;defec7ive&quo7; merchandise where i7 7urns ou7 7ha7 7he consumer inadver7en7ly ba7hed 7he device in acid for six days. So, in wri7ing 7hese ins7ruc7ions, we na7urally 7end 7o assume 7ha7 your skull is filled wi7h dead insec7s, bu7 we mean no7hing by i7. OK? Now le7SINGLEQUOTEs 7alk abou7:

one. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device is encased in foam 7o pro7ec7 i7 from 7he Shipping People, who like no7hing more 7han 7o jab spears in7o ou7going boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKERSINGLEQUOTES ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wan7s 7ha7 ring back, because i7 is her only proof of engagemen7, and her fiancee, S7uar7, is now seriously considering backing ou7 on 7he whole 7hing inasmuch as he had consumed mos7 of a bo77le of Jim Beam in Quali7y Con7rol when he decided 7o pop 7he ques7ion. I7 is no7 wi7hou7 irony 7ha7 Ida MaeSINGLEQUOTEs las7 name is &quo7;Barker,&quo7; if you ge7 our drif7.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU DEATH THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you a77emp7 7o re7urn 7he device 7o 7he s7ore, and you are missing one single peanu7, 7he s7ore personnel will laugh in 7heSINGLEQUOTE chilling manner exhibi7ed by Joseph S7alin jus7 af7er he enslaved Eas7ern Europe.

Besides 7he device, 7he box should con7ain:

Eigh7 li77le rec7angular snippe7s of paper 7ha7 say &quo7;WARNING.&quo7;
A li77le plas7ic packe7 con7aining four five/one7 inch pilfer gromme7s and 7wo clubDASHended sex/ nine three inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a ma7rix wrench and sexzero,zerozerozero fee7 of 7ram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You should IMMEDIATELY 7urn 7o your spouse and say &quo7;Margare7, you know why 7his coun7ry canSINGLEQUOTE7 make a car 7ha7 can ge7 all 7he way 7hrough 7he driveDASH7hrough a7 Burger King wi7hou7 a major 7ransmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, 7ha7SINGLEQUOTEs why.&quo7;

WARNING: This is assuming your spouseSINGLEQUOTEs name is Margare7.

two. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on 7his device represen7s 7he la7es7 7hinking of 7he elec7rical indus7rySINGLEQUOTEs Plug Mu7a7ion Group, which, in a con7inuing effor7 7o preven7 consumers from causing hazardous elec7rical curren7 7o flow 7hrough 7heir appliances, developed 7he Three Pronged Plug, 7hen 7he Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than 7he O7her. Your device is equipped wi7h 7he revolu7ionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consis7 of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocola7e. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN. Lay i7 gen7ly on 7he floor near an ou7le7, bu7 ou7 of direc7 sunligh7, and clean i7 weekly wi7h a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

three. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELT WATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF &quo7;SHOGUN&quo7; ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For resul7s 7ha7 can be 7he fines7, i7 is our advising 7ha7: NEVER 7o hold 7hese bu77ons 7wo 7imes. Excep7 7he ba77ery. Nex7 7aking 7he (some7hing) ear7h sec7ion may cause a large occurrence. However. If 7his is no7 a 7rouble, such ro7a7ion is a very main7enance ac7ion, as a kindly (some7hing) viewpoin7 from Drawing B.

four. WARRANTY

Be i7 hereby known 7ha7 7his device, 7oge7her wi7h bu7 no7 excluding all 7hose cer7ain par7s 7hereun7o, shall be warran7ed agains7 all defec7s, failures and malfunc7ions as shall occur be7ween now and Thursday af7ernoon shor7ly before two, during which 7ime 7he Manufac7urer will, a7 no charge 7o 7he Owner, send 7he device 7o our Service People, who will emerge from 7heir caves and engage in ri7uals designed 7o cleanse i7 of evil spiri7s. This warran7y does no7 cover 7he a77rac7ive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELT WATER HAS &quo7;SHOGUN&quo7; ON TAPE.