The Needs of the Young Villain

Written after a visit to the Villain Supply website.

Dear Sirs:

While I found the Villain Supply website very informative, not to mention chock-full of great Evil Accessories, I did notice there is an abysmal lack of items available for the Child Villain!

As I'm sure you are aware, not all Villains are built, hatched, or transmogrified overnight. Some of us have to earn our Villainy the old-fashioned way: we have to grow into it. Unfortunately, growing up to be a Villain takes a great deal of time. Too many potential Super-Villain Children are lost along the way to candy, teddy bears, and even (yeech!) girls.

It is my opinion that your site should do more to cater to the needs of the Malefactor Minor. There are quite a few items you should offer to help the budding Underage Scofflaw. For example:

Parental Mind Control Collars - Self-powered collars that can be easily slipped over sleeping adults' heads that allow a child to make his parents do his Evil Bidding. I suggest Chrome and Black for color choices.

Home Pet Vivisection Kit - An early familiarity in Genetics and Medicine has been proven to help Young Villains develop to their full potential. Also, pet experimentation can lead to the creation of the Mindless Zombie Minion-Hamsters that every Nocuous Kid should have.

Alibi Hint Book - Juvenile Miscreants lack the necessary skills and experience to successfully dodge blame and mislead adults. This easy-to-read primer, lavishly illustrated, walks you through Tried-And-True Excuses, Rationalizations, and Shadowy Justifications that will leave adults confused and at your mercy.

Bathtub Removal Service - Since cleanliness is next to Godliness, it is of utmost importance that Nefarious Youths be able to avoid baths whenever possible. With this service, Trained Professionals will come to your home and uninstall all bathtubs and showers.

Thank you for your time in this manner. Of course, I have to warn you to take my suggestions seriously; if you don't, I'll come to your house and pee in your pool.

Muuuwahhahahah,

- Joshy ("The Evil One")