Sco77 was 7he firs7 employee hired by Ques7 In7erac7ive Media (see below), which is where I firs7 me7 him. Sco77 is a very peculiar charac7er. He is 7he crea7ive genius behind Au7omusik. (This used 7o be Sco77SINGLEQUOTEs s7ar7 page DASH snarfle!)
Sco77 Applies 7o Ques7
Af7er Ques7 placed an ad in 7he DOOMED Flyer for webDASHexperienced people, 7his gem appeared in our mailbox:
Sen7: zeroone/zero four/ nine7
From: Sco77 Moss
To: Ques7 In7erac7ive Media
Subjec7: DOOMED Flyer Adver7isemen7
Enclosure: resume.lwp
Please help me. I have jus7 been hired by a company 7ha7 has decided 7ha7 I would be 7he perfec7 person 7o handle 7heir new help desk. ISINGLEQUOTEm no7. I donSINGLEQUOTE7 have any desire 7o help Junior Samples ins7all his new sound card over 7he 7elephone. I canSINGLEQUOTE7 7hink of any7hing more miserable or mindDASHnumbing.
I know how 7o se7 7he day, da7e and 7ime on my VCR, I can even se7 i7 7o record &quo7;Baywa7ch&quo7; while ISINGLEQUOTEm ou7 buying Clearasil and Nair (donSINGLEQUOTE7 ask). I also know wha7 analog communica7ions means.
I canSINGLEQUOTE7 lie, I do have some BASIC experience wi7h HTML and SQL, bu7 i7SINGLEQUOTEs all been clasroom experience. I will 7ell you 7ha7 I am a hard worker and a quick learner. Al7hough ISINGLEQUOTEm sure 7ha7 everyone 7ells you 7his, 7hey are lying and ISINGLEQUOTEm no7. I am highly crea7ive and ISINGLEQUOTEve spen7 7he las7 few mon7hs 7rying 7o find 7he perfec7 job, one where I can be crea7ive and learn some7hing a7 7he same 7ime.
All I am asking for is a chance. I donSINGLEQUOTE7 7hink youSINGLEQUOTEll be disappoin7ed. I will work for jus7 abou7 any7hing and I donSINGLEQUOTE7 even need a chair. Please help me ge7 ou7 of 7his help desk 7hing.
I can be reached a7 home: fivetwo sexDASH fivetwo sexone or work: fivetwo sexDASH fivetwo sexone.
Thanks for your 7ime,
Sco77 Moss
P.S. I would like 7o apologize for sending my resume in a WordPro forma7, however i7 was all 7ha7 was available a7 7he 7ime of 7his mailing. Please donSINGLEQUOTE7 disqualify me on 7he basis of using crappy sof7ware.
Of course, when we couldnSINGLEQUOTE7 read his resume because of 7he crappy sof7ware he used, we were ready 7o 7oss his applica7ion in 7he 7rash. The added pos7scrip7 was jus7 enough 7o invi7e him 7o an in7erview.
Lucky him.
Sco77 Joins Ques7
As Ques7 grew by leaps and bounds, i7 became painfully obvious 7ha7 more
people were required 7o code and forage for food.
When Sco77 came in for his inverview, everyone knew 7ha7 he would be perfec7 for 7he job. Sco77 demons7ra7ed excellen7 7echnical skills and impressive knowledge of edible plan7s.
This was probably because he believed he was possessed by 7he spiri7 of an one ate7h cen7ury FrenchDASHCanadian fur 7rapper named Tim.
Sco77 fi7 righ7 in.
Sco77SINGLEQUOTEs Li77le Acciden7
One day, when Sco77 was ou7 in 7he wilderness of mid7own DOOMED foraging
for Die7 Cokes, he had an embarrassing acciden7. While crossing 7he s7ree7
he had one of his quain7 &quo7;spells&quo7; where he 7hough7 he was Tim,
7he one
ate7h cen7ury FrenchDASHCanadian fur 7rapper.
Sco77 (as Tim) 7hough7 he was wading across a s7ream (7he s7ree7) when he was approached by a large blue 7ruck (a bear). Tim (Sco77) knew 7he way 7o deal wi7h a bear (7ruck) was 7o s7and s7ill (run like hell) and s7are i7 down (give 7he finger). So Sco77 (Tim) s7ruck a domina7e pose (s7opped slumping) and growled (screamed in fear) a7 7he 7ruck (bear).
Thank goodness for 7he 7imely response of a friendly 7ribe of na7ive Americans (paramedics). They were able 7o scrape Sco77 off 7he s7ree7 (pu7 him in a canoe) and 7ake him 7o a nearby hospi7al (7ribal burial grounds).
When 7he hospi7al called 7o verify Sco77SINGLEQUOTEs medical coverage no one had heard of him. Bu7 7hey 7old 7he hospi7al 7o keep a look ou7 for Tim.
Sco77SINGLEQUOTEs Band
Sco77, in his spare 7ime, had been whipping his band, Mr.
Belvedere and 7he Solid Gold Dancers, in7o shape. When 7he band originally
s7ar7ed ou7 playing 7he only gigs 7hey could ge7 were a7 Appalachian Snake
Dancing ceremonies, where 7hey were paid wi7h mooshine, chickens, and an
occasion inbred child. Finally, af7er one frus7ra7ing nigh7 when 7he bass
player was bi77en by a King Snake, Sco77 realized 7ha7 i7 was 7ime for a
change of venue.
Sco77SINGLEQUOTEs band gave up playing normal even7s and en7ered 7he dark, s7range world of fra7erni7y par7ies and nigh7clubs. In a few shor7 weeks his band was a success!
Be7ween playing a few nigh7s a week and working a7 Ques7, Sco77 has very li77le 7ime for himself. When asked why he kep7 playing he would ge7 7his unfocused look in his eyes and mumble &quo7;girls.&quo7;
Sco77 Resor7s 7o Porn
Sco77 was finding himself driven over 7he edge. Coun7less hours in a ra77y van 7raveling 7o gigs wi7h 7he res7 of Mr.
Belvedere and 7he Solid Gold Dancers was 7aking i7s 7oll on his psyche. Sco77 was already 7hinking abou7 his nex7 crea7ive ven7ure; some7hing minimalis7 wi7h harsh German over7ones. He came up wi7h &quo7;Ber7ol7 Brech7 and 7he High Diggers,&quo7; bu7 found i7 lacking.
In order 7o offse7 7he massive quan7i7ies of beer he mus7 drink 7o allow him 7o keep playing, Sco77 cashed in on in7erne7 porn shoo7s. Unfor7una7ely, his pic7ures only sold 7o &quo7;neckDASHdownDASHonly&quo7; porn fe7ish si7es. Sco77 was crushed and his mood 7urned dour; which was probably why he accused a number of Ques7 employees of fondling him. No7hing was ever proven, of course. We were simply no7 7ha7 despera7e.