I woke up this morning
and got out of bed.
Turned on my computer
and my LaserWriter was dead!

Platten Roller Woman
won't you come today?
My LaserWriter's broken,
I can't print what I say!

So I called her
and begged her to come.
"My printer whirs
but it doesn't hum."

Platten Roller Woman
be here in a jiffy.
I don't care if you charge me
an additional eight fifty.

She showed up at my door,
toner smudges on her face.
She opened the printer
saying, "Gimme some space."

Platten Roller Woman
let me be your man.
Every time I look at you
I get a paper jam.

She blew out the dust
and she made a face,
"Who said you could run labels
through this place?"

Platten Roller Woman
don't be mad at me.
Maybe I am a jerk
but I'll double your fee.

She slammed it closed
and made a print test.
I fell to my knees,
"Baby, you're the best!"

Platten Roller Woman
please say you'll stay.
I'll try to break my printer
at least five times a day.

She just smiled
and said, "So long."
I noticed later
all my empty cartridges were gone.

Platten Roller Woman
maybe this is a start.
I want you to crush me like toner
against your platten roller heart!