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The Continuing Saga:
Travels in 2009

Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith
Minister Without Pr0nfolio
Somewhere

Dear Friends & Lurkers:

Greetings Friend! This is an archive of things I have mailed to a variety of people which may or may not include you. You may be here because your were searching for dwarf pr0n. You may be here because you think you know me. You may be here because this is part of the torture program at Gitmo. Regardless, you are mine now. You can't tear your eyes away. You feel strangely repelled yet attracted to my words. You want to loan me money.

Late Ferbruary 2009
Memphis, TN

A Great Act to Follow

A retarded marmoset upon a high mountain peak coughs and sends a snowball rolling downhill. The snowball becomes an avalanche which kills the entire population of a secret neo-nazi alpine resort. So my story begins similarly, except without marmosets and nazis.

MY DIVORCE by Matthew

Setting: Midtown Memphis, February 2009

Him: Why are you acting so squirrelly?
Her: I think I'm in love with another woman!
Him: Well how does she feel about it?
Her: I have no idea!
Him: Well you'd better go ask her, silly!

Exit. End of Act One.

Setting: Midtown Memphis, February 2009 + 2 days

Her: She says she really likes me too.
Him: Well futz! It not like we were ever the big romantic couple.
Her: Yeah, it sucks. I want a divorce.
Him: Yeah it sucks. Here, have a divorce.
Son: I hate school!
Him: Quit whining about school. Your mom and I have something to tell you.
Son: I already heard everything. You know these walls are thin as paper?
Her: So you are OK with it?
Son: Hell yes. You guys are boring.
Him: That's the truth!

THE END

You may applaud now if you wish.

Afterthoughts: Apparently I need to address the emotional motivation of my beloved characters better. Some people read the play and think it is a sad story. This is not my intent. The two days between the two acts were rather sad; but after love bloomed and freedom was negotiated everyone was much happier. "Giddy with Delight," would be a phrase that comes to mind.

Friday, May 29, 2009
Memphis, TN

Preview of the Prequel to the Introduction of My Story, The Director's Cut

Monty Hall Would Love It Here

Much to my surprise my son, his mother, and her lover had scheduled a small wilderness vacation at the end of this month. Calm descends upon what was once my home as the cats and I wander from room to room making mental notes of what remains to be moved or thrown away. Actually, the cats just follow me hoping that I’ll stumble across another bag of treats. I give it all to them when I find them. Why hold back now?

The apartment looks like a very selective tornado struck it. More accurately a giant sieve was applied to all the possessions. The valuable things get moved, the trash ends up on the floor, and a large mass of things in the middle have yet to be judged worthy of rescue. My ex, my son, and myself will wrestle with the remains starting Monday.

This is the fourth time I’ve done this in my life; paring down my possessions to the bare essentials. This is the largest purging I’ve experienced yet, but also the easiest. I’ve learned what to keep and what to throw away. Now I can throw away that burnt pizza pan with barely an internal sigh.

The first time I did this was in 1984-5 as I left Memphis to attend UT Knoxville. I was 24 and hardly had more than a suitcase of knickknacks to my name. I remember agonizing about parting with my collection of wargames and comic books. The Dungeon and Dragons manuals were the first thing to go, thank god.

The second time was in 1994 when I moved to Cupertino to work at Apple Computer. Divestiture was required because I had to fly there. I sacrificed much just to be able to take all my fancy clothes. It was a wise decision. California demands you look good.

The third time was in 1997-8 when I was wiped out in the opening salvos of the dot-com bust. I had a pickup truck back then and stuffed every square inch with everything I held dear. That was quite an exciting year. I fell in love, fell out of love, saw many friends in far off places, and was rather intimately strip-searched at the Canadian border. A few of the customs officials there still write me.

And so that brings us to today, as I sit in my shattered apartment prodding memories and the contents of drawers alike. Right now I am spinning my wheels, literally. My car is in the shop getting a new clutch. Blame it on my dad’s ridiculously steep driveway in Bell Buckle. He should really install a car elevator. But he wanted to live on top of some forsaken hill and frequent clutch replacements are the price you have to pay.

Enough kicking around inside my head. Time to decide who gets my VCR tapes.

Be well. Be strong, Be happy with the things you have that don’t require transporting. You will hear from me again; no tree will fall in my forest without you hearing about it.

Next Stop: Bell Buckle or Nashville (haven’t decided)
Arrival Date: No Frikkin’ Idea, but Soon