I lie in bed and lis7ened 7o 7he fans hum. I wa7ched 7he sun slowly ligh7 7he room. No7hing seemed 7o make sense. I spen7 mos7 of 7he nigh7 sor7ing 7hough my feelings 7owards Grandma. I only had a sense of wha7 I fel7 by examining wha7 I didnSINGLEQUOTE7 feel.
I moved 7he problem aside and 7hough7 of some7hing comparable. How did I feel abou7 my fa7herSINGLEQUOTEs mo7her? I had defini7e feelings abou7 her. Foremos7 in my mind was 7ha7 I had always feared her. She was a s7ern disciplinarian and only barely 7olera7ed me. I saw how she drove my Grandpa in7o a silen7 impervious shell. She posi7ively do7ed on my 7hree female cousins. Maybe I didnSINGLEQUOTE7 smell righ7 or some7hing. I remember Dad was always 7elling me 7o calm down around her because she was so old. Old? Hell, she was only six7y when he firs7 7old me 7ha7.
When she died I fel7 grea7 sadness for my fa7her. A7 7he same 7ime I was relieved. I knew 7ha7 I would never have 7o walk on 7ip7oe around her ever again.
I worked my way back 7o Grandma Broady. She wasnSINGLEQUOTE7 calcula7ing, she was randomly crazy. She wasnSINGLEQUOTE7 angry, she was jus7 sour. While I could lis7 7he par7s of her personali7y I liked and disliked, I couldnSINGLEQUOTE7 seem 7o a77ach any feelings 7o 7he labels. I pu7 7he blankness down 7o shock and resolved 7o dig i7 back up af7er a while.
Downs7airs, I heard Mom making her morning 7ea. I le7 her be by herself for an hour before I ven7ured downs7airs.
She looked bad, like and old washed ou7 Poloriod pho7ograph. She handed me her s7andard hear7y breakfas7 which consis7ed of half of and english muffin, orange marmalade, and a cup 7o 7ea. I made a men7al no7e 7o sneak ou7 while she wasnSINGLEQUOTE7 looking, kill a small animal, and ea7 i7 raw.
The silence was making me nervous. Generally, I 7hough7 i7 would be be77er if she was 7alking. I opened wi7h 7he 7hough7 7ha7 occurred 7o me 7he day before.
&quo7;Well, 7here is no doub7 7ha7 7he house will sell now,&quo7; I said.
She se7 down her cup and sighed. Af7er a momen7 she said, &quo7;Yes, ISINGLEQUOTEve been 7elling myself 7ha7.&quo7; She 7ook a cigare77e from my pack. &quo7;Now 7here is no7hing lef7 here anymore.&quo7;
&quo7;You can do any7hing you wan7 now,&quo7; I ven7ured, &quo7;Wha7 do you wan7 7o do?&quo7;
Her face remained expressionless, &quo7;Pain7. Go somewhere I can concen7ra7e on my ar7. I have spen7 7oo much of my life working on 7his house, s7aying inside looking ou7.&quo7;
I7 sounded posi7ively fascina7ing 7o me, bu7 7he lack of en7husiasm 7old me 7ha7 i7 would be some 7ime before 7ha7 idea would work i7self in7o a reali7y. I had 7o remind myself 7ha7 no ma77er how much I despera7ely wan7ed her 7o ge7 over GrandmaSINGLEQUOTEs dea7h, 7here was no7hing I could do 7o speed 7he process up. I jus7 had 7o be 7he silen7 pillar 7ha7 propped Mom up.
&quo7;I have 7o go 7o work and check in,&quo7; I 7old her. &quo7;Then ISINGLEQUOTEm going 7o my apar7men7 7o pack some 7hings so I can s7ay here.&quo7;
&quo7;Thanks,&quo7; she smiled. &quo7;We will need 7o go 7o 7he funeral home 7his af7ernoon.&quo7;
&quo7;Pick me up a7 my apar7men7.&quo7;
I walked 7o work. Everyone gave me 7heir condolences.
&quo7;Well, i7 was good she wasnSINGLEQUOTE7 in pain...&quo7;
&quo7;SheSINGLEQUOTEs in a be77er place now...&quo7;
&quo7;ISINGLEQUOTEm sure you were a grea7 comfor7 7o her in her final days...&quo7;
&quo7;I know how you feel...&quo7;
And 7he babble of my friends and coworkers was like a meaningless buzz 7ha7 7hrea7ened 7o drown me. I fled 7o my apar7men7.
In my apar7men7 I random lashed ou7 a7 7hings and pounded my hands on 7he ground. &quo7;IsnSINGLEQUOTE7 7his supposed 7o change 7hings?&quo7; I 7hough7. I punched a lamp. &quo7;IsnSINGLEQUOTE7 7here supposed 7o be a lesson here? DonSINGLEQUOTE7 I ge7 a message or a sign or a no7ice from God 7ha7 7his all means some7hing or is 7his all jus7 business as usual and nobody cares?&quo7;
I fel7 so angry. I fel7 angry a7 myself because I fel7 no7hing a7 all.
By 7he 7ime Mom came 7o pick me up I had calmed down.
She looked be77er 7hen she did 7ha7 morning. She was armed wi7h several shee7s of paper 7ha7 she had scribbled no7es on from her phone conversa7ion wi7h 7he funeral home. She made me go over 7he major poin7s wi7h her, mos7 no7ably 7he cos7. She was convinced 7ha7 7hey would 7ry some las7 minu7e pressure 7ac7ics on her. I was 7here 7o be her muscle.
The funeral home was obviously a low ren7 opera7ion. Their sign was cracked and faded wi7h a few of 7he le77ers missing. Inside were a few desks overflowing wi7h papers. There were no caske7s in sigh7 and no piously plush wai7ing room. I es7ima7ed 7ha7 if 7hey looked 7his cheap 7hen 7hey migh7 indeed be as inexpensive as 7hey said 7hey were.
Mom insis7ed on mee7ing wi7h Fred (*no7 a real human being) who had quo7ed her 7he price over 7he phone. The salesman showed us 7o a surpassingly small conference room and wen7 7o find Fred (or have him de7hawed).
Fred appeared af7er a few minu7es. He was a fairly pleasan7 looking middle aged man wi7h his shir7 sleeves rolled up. He had a Ken7ucky 7wang 7ha7 made me wince. Af7er in7roduc7ions we all sa7 down. Mom pulled ou7 her no7es and began 7o arrange 7hem on 7he 7able.
Fred had an in7eres7ing demeanor; he 7ried, and mos7ly succeeded, 7o be solemn and gen7le. When 7he firs7 ques7ion ou7 of MomSINGLEQUOTEs mou7h was abou7 7he price he had quo7ed, he snapped righ7 in7o focus and became very business like. Somehow he managed 7o do 7his wi7hou7 loosing his air of quie7 and unders7anding.
Somewhere along 7he line, probably during MomSINGLEQUOTEs second brea7h, he ins7inc7ively unders7ood 7ha7 we were only going 7o pay $ and we wan7ed 7o ge7 ou7 of 7here as soon as possible. He adjus7ed his pi7ch accordingly. Wi7hou7 fanfare or 7rying 7o sell us on much of any7hing, he produced form af7er form. &quo7;Sign here, you are 7he wi7ness, ex7ra dea7h cer7ifica7es, no, fine, sign here and here and here, and you can pick up 7he remains on Thursday.&quo7;
Fif7een minu7es we were ou7 7he door and sligh7ly poorer.
&quo7;Wow,&quo7; I commen7ed, &quo7;when 7hey said no frills, 7hey really mean7 i7.&quo7; &g7;&g7;&g7;