In Search of the Talking Moose

The Ascent of a Macintosh Meme

In a nutshell, this is the manual for a piece of Mac software which flourished in the early 1990s. Then there was an upgrade. Followed by some awards. Then there were drunken parties, potential sexual harassment lawsuits, and near death experiences. Finally there was a bitter bankruptcy. Enjoy!

Who is the Talking Moose? Where did he come from? How did he get here? What does he want from us? Is Steve Halls the only person to see a Talking Moose in the flesh? Why did Steve write the Talking Moose program? Why is Baseline publishing it? What is the Talking Moose philosophy? Why does the Talking Moose like Macintoshes? What does a Talking Moose eat? Is the Talking Moose connected to UFOs? Why does the Moose encourage the Apple-IBM alliance? Why are there so many questions in this introduction?

These questions and more we will try to answer tonight on... In Search of the Talking Moose.

It All Started So Innocently

Scientists are at a loss to explain the exact origins of the Talking Moose. In fact, only in the past few years have some members of the scientific community come to accept the Talking Moose as a reality. The meager data collected so far (a few bone fragments and a photograph) seems to indicate that there were once huge herds of fun loving carnivorous moose-shaped dinosaurs that roamed the earth. Named TyrannaMoosus Rex ("Thunder Moose King') by an obscure Canadian paleontologist and part time ski instructor, these dinosaurs were responsible for many of the practical jokes that were played on unsuspecting herbivores in the Jurassic era.

TyrannaMoosus Rex The links between the ancient moose-lizard and the modern day Talking Moose are tentative at best. For instance, the fact that dinosaurs are lizards and mooses are mammals. Still, some over educated archeologists suggest a practical joke with a meteor back fired on the thunder mooses, they foresaw the coming of the ice ages and disappeared into a large cave in New Jersey with a wake up call for the morning. If they did, then they have overslept.

Let My Mooses Go

The next suggestion of the Talking Moose comes from the burial chamber of an ancient Egyptian king, Ra-Moos-ese. Ra-Moos-ese was renowned for being the Pharaoh of Egypt during the time that minor prophet Mooses freed the mooses, buffalos, and assorted sacred cows.

Ra-Moos-ese's tomb was discovered by a curious Egyptian shepherd in 1920 when he noticed that a herd of elk would gather every November 7th at an old watering hole. When the boy told the local authorities, they didn't believe him because elk are not native to Egypt. Finally, the young lad contacted the Canadian consulate in Cairo and they agreed to examine his claim.

The old watering hole turned out to be the partially destroyed burial crypt of the aforementioned Ra-Moos-ese. Over the door appeared the inscription, "Enter not here or thou shaft be followed by that which walks with four legs, says hello in the morning, says goodbye at night, and cracks jokes in the between." The courageous Egyptologists ignored it to their doom.

Moose Glyphs Inside the crypt, which was mostly filled with water, was the sarcophagus of Ra-Moos-ese as well as the mummified remains of his servants and advisors. Strangely enough, all of Ra-Moos-ese's retainers were animals of one kind or another. Unfortunately, what might have proven to be one of the most significant discoveries in this century was lost as quickly as it was found. The chambers began flooding with water and the Egyptologists were only able to escape with one fragment from the stone lid of a massive sarcophagus.

It is needless to explain the significance of the fragment, for the translation says enough:

...and the moose did grin, and the carp and the antelope and the fruit bats and the anchovies did feast upon (untranslatable - possibly an article of clothing or the name of a political candidate) by the great river...

...and the moose said: "One. Thou shaft say hello in the morning. Two. Thou shaft say goodbye in the evening. Three. Thou shaft crack jokes in the between." And the animals did look upon him, and they saw his bow tie was red, and the great king gurgled for a while and was glad.

Heady stuff indeed!

In a tragic side note, every grumpy member of the expedition died within a few years of each other under mysterious circumstances. The only clue to the unexplained deaths was a note one of the members of the expedition had scribbled shortly before he died. "Beware the Moose" was all it said.

>>> Next >>>

it pays the bills dept

here is something I hope is doing no evil.

could be worse dept

there could be more of them