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So why did that nice lady threaten to sue Baseline Publishing? Well, the fault primarily rests on the shoulders of a man named Steve Gurton, who was once the unfortunate soul who had to wear the Talking Moose suit at the MacWorld Expositions for Baseline.
Steve's would walk around in the suit, sweating profusely, doling out company freebies and literature. One time he was passing out Moose-alas, small fuzzy moose heads with adhesive backing, when he encountered a young lady by the name of Binky Melnik. Binky was a Macintosh evangelist, raconteur, and consultant famed in the community for her fiery wit, shocking attire, and bright hair color. She asked for a Moose-ala and Steve gave her one... right above the hemline of her extremely low cut blouse.
Later, when Binky tried to remove the Moose-ala, the adhesive had gripped her skin so tightly that it left a bruise - right where everybody would see it. Angry and hurt, Binky threatened to sue Baseline Publishing. One of her friends, the formidable law professor Loftus Becker, offered to help.
Despite the smirks on everyone's faces, when I returned to Memphis I decided it would be best if I issued an official apology.
Dearest Binky:
I wish to humbly apologize for any perceived distress caused by the Talking Moose due to the strategic placement of a free fuzzy Moose-ala upon your person, especially in the upper chest area, during the Boston MacWorld expo, or any night or morning in that time frame.
While Baseline Publishing does it's best to encompass (mostly) tasteful humor in our productions and promotions, it was never our intention, at least consciously, to cause any harm or embarrassment to the attendees of the show. Our desire was to provide fun giveaways to the attendees without leading to entangled relationships we would feel embarrassed about in the morning.
As Baseline penetrates deeper and deeper into the fertile Macintosh marketplace, the chances that such strained relationships can lead to violent shuddering climaxes will grow. Right now I wish to grip this problem firmly in hand and prevent it from degenerating into uncontrolled groaning and screaming.
Binky, I am truly sorry about this unfortunate circumstance. If I could kiss it and make it better, I would gladly do so. And afterwards we could smoke a cigarette and talk about old times.
As Ever,
I Remain,
Your Humble Servant,Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith
President, Baseline Publishing, Inc.P.S. Please don't sick Lofty on me.
The apology must have worked, because I was never served with a subpoena. (You know you lead an interesting life when you can say that about several stories.)
Despite the awards and drunken parties, Baseline Publishing imploded in 1995 and the Talking Moose went fallow, so to speak. Eventually, new Macintosh operating systems killed the beloved tinny and indistinct Macintalk once and for all.
Steve Halls and his wonderful wife Jenny continue to brave the winters in Saskatoon and grow and prosper.
The Moose would have been lost forever if it wasn't for Uli Kusterer, who updated the Moose and made it compatible with both OS9 and OSX. If you long to hear:
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
then get your very own Talking Moose today!
Contact: - (c)opyleft 1995-2009 Matthew Lewis Carroll Smith - Creative Commons Licensed
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